Understanding Attachment Styles
Intro:
Why does one unanswered text ruin your entire day, while someone else barely notices? Why do some people crave constant reassurance, while others pull away the moment things get serious? Why do you feel deeply connected one minute, and suddenly question everything the next? The difference between these scenarios is not about being “too emotional” or “too detached,” but rather about different attachment styles. This blog will explore how attachment styles develop, how they shape how we communicate and respond in relationships, and why understanding your own attachment style can be the key to building healthier, more secure connections.
What is Attachment Theory:
Interestingly enough, attachment theory does not result from our partners in romantic relationships, but goes back much earlier, to our childhood. Fraley (2019) writes that attachment theory is “guided by the assumption that the same motivational system that gives rise to the close emotional bond between parents and their children is responsible for the bond that develops between adults in emotionally intimate relationships.” John Bowlby, a British psychoanalyst established this theory, with the goal of evaluating the distress infants felt when separated from their caregivers. He argued that “infants who were able to maintain proximity to an attachment figure via attachment behaviors would be more likely to survive to a reproductive age.” As researchers began to take Bowlby’s theory more seriously, they found similarities in traits among infants, their caregivers, and their adult romantic partners. For example, both feel safe when the other is responsive and nearby, and both feel insecure when the other is inaccessible.
These early relationships shape our emotional patterns because children’s attachment patterns are significantly influenced by their parents. Pract (2007) writes that the care and attention that a parent fosters affect “children’s physical, psychological, behavioural, and developmental well-being.” If a parent is usually loving, present, and attentive, then the child tends to feel secure and calm, even if the parent is not physically nearby. On the other hand, if a parent is cold, neglectful, and dismissive, the child tends to feel scared and very emotional when the parent is not physically nearby. Bowlby discusses the concept of ‘internal working models,’ which can be described as “lifelong templates and preconceptions about the value and reliability of relationships, close and otherwise.”
These factors affect our adult relationships because a secure individual who felt love and care as a child believes that others will be there for them in their future relationships. An insecure individual who experiences inconsistent or neglectful care may grow up anxious, clingy, or avoidant, often expecting others to be unreliable or untrustworthy.
The Four Attachment Styles Explained:
After covering the origins of Attachment theory, it is crucial to discuss the different attachment styles so you can identify your own or your partner’s.
- Secure Attachment: Jan (2024) writes that secure attachment “refers to a bond where individuals feel safe, supported, and connected, enabling them to express emotions freely, seek comfort from their partner, and confidently explore their environment knowing they have a reliable base to return to.” Five signs of a secure attachment style include:
- Being comfortable with intimacy
- Can regulate emotions and feelings
- Good coping and problem-solving skills
- Comfortable being close or being alone
- Communicates effectively
- Secure attachment tends to lead to the most positive outcomes in relationships through improved emotional well-being and the ability to form strong, healthy bonds with others. The most important aspect of secure attachment is that the individual is not searching for someone else to make them whole; they are already confident in themselves and their worth.
- Anxious Attachment: Anxious attachment can be defined as “an insecure attachment style that’s characterized by a strong desire for meaningful relationships, a fear of abandonment and rejection, and a high need for reassurance and support” (Cleveland Clinic, 2024). Five signs of an anxious attachment style include:
- Having a strong need for validation or reassurance that you are loved
- Experiencing mistrust or jealousy in your relationships
- Having difficulty with healthy boundaries
- Having difficulty expressing or understanding your own emotions
- Questioning your self-worth
- Anxious attachment tends to lead to people-pleasing behaviors that also come with a strong fear of abandonment. In times of stress, those who are anxiously attached might come across as needy or clingy to their partners as they seek reassurance. This carries the risk of pushing your partner away.
- Avoidant Attachment: Cleveland Clinic (2024) defines Avoidant attachment as “an insecure relationship style characterized by a strong discomfort with emotions, a high need for independence, and a difficulty feeling close with other people.” Five signs of an avoidant attachment style include:
- A high need for independence over emotional vulnerability
- Distrusting others when emotions are involved
- Increased withdrawal when someone gets too close
- Self-reliance when it comes to emotional support
- Discomfort with emotional intimacy or stress needs
- Avoidant attachment directly contrasts with an anxious attachment style, which usually means the two styles tend not to get along. Those with avoidant attachments tend to express love differently than those with anxious or secure attachments. For example, someone with an avoidant attachment might give physical gifts to show love rather than reassurance or words of affirmation.
- Disorganized Attachment: Disorganized attachment is “referred to as fearful-avoidant attachment style, stems from intense fear, often as a result of childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse. Adults with this insecure attachment style tend to feel they don’t deserve love or closeness in a relationship” (Robinson, 2026). Five signs of a disorganized attachment include:
- Finding intimate relationships confusing and unsettling
- Swinging between emotional extremes of love and hate for a partner
- Exhibiting antisocial or negative behavior patterns
- Craving intimacy and love, but feeling unworthy and terrified of getting hurt again
- Childhood shaped by abuse, neglect, or trauma
- When dealing with someone who has a disorganized attachment, a partner or friend might experience despair at the individual’s refusal to take responsibility for their actions, causing immense stress on a relationship.
After being educated about the different forms of attachment, it is easy to recognize them in your daily life and in popular media. See different attachment styles in Wuthering Heights!
Can we change our attachment styles?
Attachment styles are a heavy subject, and if you feel you exhibit any attachment style other than secure, it can definitely be stressful. However, the good news is that you can change your attachment style. The most important factor in changing your attachment style is communication with your partner. An assistant professor at the University of Edinburgh states that “It really can just be as simple as talking to your partner and opening up a little bit” (Hopper, 2017). Within a recent study, 70 heterosexual couples completed surveys about their relationships and then participated in a series of brief activities. These activities included partner yoga, in which they held hands in poses to increase physical intimacy. The study found that participants with more avoidant attachment styles rated their relationships as higher quality than before. These came through both communication and physical closeness.
One of the biggest factors in changing your attachment style is identifying it, which is often the hardest part. It is never fun to realize you might be the problem in the relationship, but the first step is to admit it and take it easy on yourself. As discussed previously in the blog, it is clear that attachment styles come from our childhood roots; being anxious, avoidant, or disorganized is not who you are as a person, but the way you grew up. Allowing yourself to take action rather than blame creates space for growth and self-compassion.
Once you have identified your attachment style, the next step is to actively practice more secure behaviors.
How to actively practice more secure behaviors:
As said previously, one of the most important ways to change our attachment styles is through effective communication. Here are five ways in which you can practice healthy and secure communication:
- Communicate needs directly: Instead of hinting or testing your partner, clearly express what you need (e.g., “I’d appreciate reassurance when plans change.”).
- Pause before reacting: When triggered, take a moment to regulate your emotions before responding. Secure behavior is thoughtful rather than impulsive.
- Assume positive intent: Avoid jumping to worst-case conclusions. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt unless proven otherwise.
- Be comfortable with space: Understand that time apart does not equal rejection. A healthy distance can strengthen a connection.
- Set and respect boundaries: Know your limits and communicate them calmly. Respect your partner’s boundaries as well.
Once healthy communication is established, it is important to follow through with activities that will increase physical closeness and intimacy. Here are five ways in which you can implement activities that foster secure physical closeness to your partner:
- Engage in intentional touch: Simple acts like holding hands, hugging for at least 20 seconds, or sitting close together can increase feelings of safety and connection.
- Try partner-based activities: Partner yoga, dancing, or even cooking together encourages teamwork and physical proximity in a low-pressure setting.
- Create a daily connection ritual: Set aside 10–15 minutes each day for uninterrupted closeness—whether that’s cuddling, talking face-to-face, or checking in about your day.
- Practice eye contact during conversations: Maintaining eye contact while discussing meaningful topics strengthens emotional intimacy and reinforces trust.
- Be physically affectionate outside of sexual intimacy: Small gestures like a hand on your partner’s back, a quick kiss goodbye, or resting your head on their shoulder build comfort and consistency in connection.
Closing:
We appreciate the time you spent reading our blog and hope this discussion has given you a deeper understanding of how attachment styles shape how we connect, communicate, and build relationships. See I Can Buy Myself Flowers for more relationship advice!
